05.01.03 -
i'm gonna just say it: i want her to get past all this.
i'm so sick of checking her diary and finding only self-absorbed, depressing drivel. (and whatever, it's a diary, i know. but in the diaryland-o-meter of "shut the fuck up", her needle is straining past the flashing red zone.)
i'm so sick of her not being strong enough to throw this asshole in the garbage can where he belongs.
we had a discussion about her a few weeks ago, and i came down pretty hard on her. what kind of friend am i, that i just want her to figure her shit out and then give me a call when it's all over?
he pointed out some things that i know are true about her, but i don't like to "consciously know".
she is weak. she is insecure. she hates herself. she is very unhappy. she uses a sunny disposition, randomness, and a soft/sweety/dirty sense of humor to distract you from the truth.
this is who she's always been, and if you don't accept that, you don't accept her.
i want her to be who she pretends to be. i forecast all sorts of positive, empowering feeling rushing to her aid, to lift her up, the moment she successfully divorces her attachment to him from herself.
i see the weaknesses all intrinsically tied to him.
even if he wasn't a shitty, horrible person, i would still dislike him on principle for the effect he knowingly has on her.
i have seen many a codependant, destructive relationship ride the waves and eventually fizzle out before. i am just happy there are 1000 miles separating me from first hand witnesses the carnage in this instance.
sometimes i think i'll never see her again anyway, so why should i care? our closeness time has passed. she has her real friends now [who, incidentally, have betrayed her in unspeakable ways...but that was a whole two months ago so it obviously no longer counts...]
and then i notice that i'm a little bitter.
i don't like this.
there are other adjectives i've come up for myself in light of the situation that i don't care to share, because they aren't very favorable.
i guess i just miss her. i guess i just wished she lived nearer to me. i guess i just wish i had met her sooner, prior to all this boy-drama-nonsense.
i guess i wish i could tell her all of this without coming off as so shitty and condescending as i'm sure i do.
*****
did you notice that i had absolutely nothing to say to you? i tried to hide it but i'm sure you could tell.
and so it starts all over again :)
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