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08.08.03 -

tonite he tried to get me stoned, and i tried to get him drunk.

*****

i went back to cod the other day, with my aunt along for support, to talk to a counselor about why i withdrew from all my classes in spring. i couldn't register for fall without doing so, and i knew that my going there would result in lots of sadness and a probably inability to speak.

my aunt told my counselor the story. every time she tells it, she cries.. and she didn't even like those dogs.

so i got my permit or whatever, and i've started picking out classes.

my aunt says it's a big step for me... going back there and facing all those feelings. although glad i'll be back in a structured learning environment, i'd rather be ANYWHERE but there.

i had a talk with myself, and finally conceded that my plans for january are unrealistic. most of it has to do with money... and there are nine more classes i need to take before i have an associate's. there's actually fewer than that, but i'd like to retake some things to get bad grades off my transcript.

this means one more entire year at that school. this means one more entire year living at home and working at the goddamn animal hospital part time. this means one more entire year of clothes that smell like smoke, even after being just washed... having to say where i'm going everytime i leave the house...ugh.

but, as brian pointed out, i need to look on the bright side a little more... i will get to be around my friends for at least one more year. i will have free laundry and a familiar place to ride my bike and a dairyqueen two blocks from my house.

the upside ends there.

*****

oh, fuck it.

when we sit around in his living room, listening to music and making each other laugh, it's really rough. we know each other so well. there are so many questions i want to bring up, but i'm so staunchly opposed to confrontation that i never will [which was pretty much our downfall in the first place].

everything is easy around him. there are no dry patches or uncomfortable silences.

he was talking about going to california sometime to maybe visit jonee once he moves out there. he also said something about looking his exgirlfriend up [the one i was terrified of] and having one of those "what does it all mean" conversations.

she was his "one that got away" and i always knew it.

i notice small things, and i read into them. this does not a healthy laura make.

i don't have the solution right now, but i do know that whatever is happening feels so right and so wrong all at the same time.

and somehow it is comforting to know that there are others out there more miserable than me... who write about their experiences with more eloquence and depth than i could ever hope to.

*****

m.o.t.o. tonight. let the good times roll!

 

 

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