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2003-08-14 - 10:38 a.m.

yesterday i got dropped from 125 ft with nothing but nylon cords holding me up. the last thing i heard before jeremy pulled the ripcord was him calling me "laura mccrazy" and it made me laugh. when we freefell i let out the most heartfelt, blood curdling scream; i couldn't control myself. the whole world stood still, and the park was completely silent for about ten seconds. [assumably, everyone stopped what they were doing to watch us, totally in awe of our flight.]

jeremy was laughing hysterically and i wouldn't let him let go of me. it was THE most exciting thing i've ever done. we were FLYING. best twenty dollars EVER spent.

but as a result of wandering around outside all day, my flesh from the shoulders up is scorched to an attractive hot pink. everything burns. one ms. aloe vera is my new best friend.

*****

iron and wine are opening for broadcast? the gods are smiling down on me.

and if he plays... THAT song... i think i will crumble to my knees.

*****

i am so sick of thinking about and dissecting the actions of boys. i am tired of uncertitude. i am my own personal devil's advocate.

the truth is that sometimes when i'm with brian, i look at him and wonder why i'm not WITH him. sometimes he'll look at me and smile and i'll want to i-don't-know-what. but it's all so pointless.

us breaking up has most definitely had a more profound effect on me than on him. he always has been a playing-it-cool kind of guy, but he makes no move to suggest it ever even made him sad. he likes someone else now.. and that's cool, that's fine, whatever.

i am learning from him how to cut my sentimentalities short. i'm not going to care anymore, because he doesn't care, and we'll never talk about anything anyway. i write about him more now than i did when we were together. i need to cut it all the hell out.

i'm going to see him tonite, and it will be like totally starting all over. he doesn't care. i don't care. he's moved on. i've moved on. there IS no going back, despite what the movies and your inner voice tries to get you to believe.

i am enjoying this time, and i need to not feel bad about it.

and when i say i never want to date again, i do mean it. the before part is too much fun and the after part is too much hurt to go through it again and again.

there are opportunities everywhere, but none i want to take. it's like, you break up with someone longterm and important to you, and suddenly people come from out of nowhere wanting to help you forget it and start anew. your friends feel free to tell you their REAL impressions of your ex, and you don't know whether to thank them for their candor or slap them silly for their disrespect.

i know he has the same opportunities all around him. he has met some really cute girls lately, and they seem to have way more in common with him that i ever did. and whereas before i would have been saddened and probably even hurt if he started dating someone else right away, i'm all for it now. why not? he's a free agent. but he'd just be hurting himself again in the end.

this will be the last time i talk about boys for a while. and tonite if he smiles at me in THAT WAY again, i'll do my best to ignore it. i'll keep telling myself that it would never work. i am not a good person to be involved with. and when i hug him goodbye before i drive home, i won't be expecting or giving anything more than a short, friendly hug.

laura, you have to learn how to let go of people gracefully.

*****

i am planning a trip for me to take ALONE, to see someone i miss and a countryside i have dreamed about since i was a little girl. four months until i get to go 'home'.

 

 

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