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08.17.03 -

and just as easy as i let myself buy into it, i can let it go. all i had to do was verbalize it... tell someone about it... imagine what it'd be like if it was real... for me to realize how incredibly stupid and far-fetched it is.

so i went ahead and nipped this in the bud as well. nip nip nip. i am a little nipper.

*****

yesterday, the very first client i had to help at work came over from emergency vet services. they left their dog in a car on friday for one hour with windows down. it was like 90 degrees on friday. i could see the fear in their eyes. all this adrenaline kicked in and i pushed them to the front of the line [by 8am there was already a 40 minute wait to see a vet].

they talked to a vet and left with red eyes so the dog could get fluids. i could feel myself sort of slipping, but i was able to look at how busy we were and put off crying until later.

and then. the coup de grāce. my french teacher, jeff fox, the one i love/hate, came in with his daughter and wife to pick up a dog. i felt like i got socked in the stomach.

i look at him and remember that i was in HIS class when i should have been with THEM. all these sad feelings about having to leave school. and how i never told him why. and how i'm still really fond of him.

his daughter is gonna be a knockout.

i waited until i was out of his sight, and then i fell to pieces. it was the kind of sobstorm where you try to fight it for so long that you get terribly choked up and begin making obscene sounds as you try to breathe.

everyone kept asking me what was wrong and i wanted to say, "are you fucking serious?"

i finally had to go outside to sit and let all that crap out. it was really rough. and although i knew something like this was bound to happen, i didn't expect it so soon afterwards.

my eyes got all sore and red and puffy... and once i was able to settle myself down i looked in the mirror and laughed aloud. i didn't look myself. i looked like a train wreck. and then i imagined what the people in the lobby must've thought, seeing me walk defeatedly into the bathroom, close the door, and then laugh hysterically. it was good. in that it was baaaaad.

*****

everything you've heard is true: sarah's new apartment is righteous. it's like you know how ridiculously big the apartment on "friends" is... and how people make fun that those people would never have found an affordable apartment like that in new york city? her new place is the chicago equivalent.

soooo much room, i wouldn't even know what to do with it all. it is THE biggest apartment i've EVER seen in chicago.

lucky girl.

*****

for the last week i have felt the need to stretch in every single direction. my muscles have felt tense. there have been a million things to get done. i saw a lot of people. i laughed a lot. and i'm exhausted.

today is my sabbath.. my day of rest. today is a day to be boring, and sleep, and it's nice.

 

 

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