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08.26.03 -

vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit.

what kind of fool do you take me for? your exuberance was embarrassing. seriously, you make me wanna puke. get the hell outta here.

how completely and totally stupid.

*****

i somehow feel gipped that i wasn't born and raised on the west coast.

i've never even been. i don't even know anyone who lives west of 95 degrees longitude.

but i just have this feeling that there is so much happening out there. that as isolated and cold everyone in chicago is, people out there are sweet and warm. there is no petty, unspoken competition.

i could be imagining all of it.

today i heard about someone who lives in california.. and the way people talked about him made me want to tilt my head and let my eyes well up.

i will never be someone like that. i am not sweet or kind or loving. i walk around thinking i'm all these things. my heart feels shrivelled and flimsy.

some people came in to put their six year old rottweiler down today. they called ahead, and the woman started sobbing on the phone. i was silent and she apologized for her emotional outburst [it's more than understandable, but for some unknown reason EVERYONE - including me - finds it inappropriate to grieve in front of others]. i told her i'd get everything set up for them.

when they got there, i was prepared to take them into a room. i had no feeling of deep sadness for them like i usually do. someone else happened to get them, but i very easily could have done it.

it would be the first euthanization i'd have done since.. yeah.

the thing is, my dogs were THE best dogs that have ever existed in the world. go ahead and think i'm wrong. you have no idea what you're talking about. they were special beyond the meaning of the word. they were better and funnier and quirkier than your dogs - whoever you are - i guarantee it. i also guarantee that i loved them more than anyone has ever loved an animal.

guarantees like this are tricky. but i won't even budge here. life as i knew it ended when they were gone. i keep trying to figure out why i'm not as [EVERYTHING] as i used to be. they were my heart. nothing excites me anymore in the same way. it was depressing for a while, but i have to not fight it. if things are going to right themselves, they'll do it naturally.

so here's the thing: i couldn't feel bad for those people because i knew that their loss was nowhere near as bad as mine.

i know how assholish that sounds. i don't care. it's the goddamn truth.

so bring on all the dogs that need to get put to sleep. i will never again feel that ball of UNGH in my throat when the words come out of trembling mouths. i will nod sympathetically and give it to them straight.

i keep thinking i hear them when i'm at work. i guess little dogs all sound alike. but it's bad enough that i'll whip my head around and stare expectantly. four months. i'm still a basketcase.

and there are amazing people with pointy noses or wavy hair or uneven eyes in the world that are so gorgeous they cause their friends to stammer at how lucky they are to know so-and-so... i can't ever know any of them because i'll never be one of them.

i don't know, does any of this make sense?

people who don't me so well all gush over how sweet and cute i am. funny. the people who are close to me know the truth. i can choose to be this way.. but i'm far more sarcastic and mean-spirited than i could ever try to admit to.

nobody stands a chance with me because i'm always counting down the time till you walk out the door. i check my watch hourly. even the ones i am unabashedly attached to are more scarce these days.

i can't wait for this summer to be over. i have the itch to be in school. besides keeping my mind busy, it will keep me on a routine. which i have come to accept is necessary for me to be functional and feelin alright.

it's just one of those nights where i'm feeling so sad and so detached. sad music fueling the fire. get off the computer. put on something frantic and take it out on a canvas rather than yourself. take a nap. take a walk. get a life. rent a sweet-but-smart movie. fall in love. take a chance. DO SOMETHING.

that said. this week i will don my 'normal cheerful self' mask and see my friends and laugh and dance and stargaze and pretend everything's alright.

and maybe it is, and this is all fabricated. but if so, it's one of those dreams where you ask someone to pinch you, and they do, and you're still asleep and you can't wake up at all.

 

 

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