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09.06.03 -

yasemin throws the best parties.

when brian asked me to come to it, my kneejerk reaction was that i hate parties, cannot feel comfortable at them, etc. he took the liberty of inviting sarah along, and when she was interested it was suddenly a done deal.

there are not words to describe how good a time we had last night. i've never laughed so hard or told so many people i loved them - and meant it.

we got there at 10 on the dot, right when it started, so that there would be no one there to stare us down upon entry. it became very clear early on that we were gonna be in the midst of a mega super friendster bash. it was like seeing celebrities all around you. i'd see someone and think, "i know who your favorite bands are, but i don't know you," etc etc. it was the worst feeling ever. sarah started downing beers right away and i saw how much easier it seemed to make things.

and then. THEN. a one mr. b0bby smileey [misspelled so that weirdo google searches can't find this..] showed up. he's one of my friendsters that i just started talking to, and i think him to be a walking angel. he was standing in the corner talking to people like it was no big deal, and i knew that we had seen each other, but i was no sorts of ready to have an awkward introduction scene.

and so, here's what i did. i'm a little afraid to tell you, diary, for fear you will shun me. i went against everything i have stood for in the past in the name of not feeling like i was about to implode. i took a huge gulp out of brian's margarita. it tasted horrrrrible. it burned my throat.. made me feel like i had fire breath.

sarah and brian laughed at me and i wish they could've seen the shock on their faces. i told them i needed many more drinks, and right away. they got me a hard lemonade and i forced them to come outside with me for a while. i wanted to get a LOT more "comfortable" before i had to face my fears.

i pounded the lemonade as fast as possible, remembering the drinking rules i learned in health class. i hadn't eaten anything that day and i was dying for it to kick in. after brian had a cigarette, we went back in and sarah made me a huge glass of vodka and juicy juice.

this... made all the difference in the world.

my friends, james and kyle, showed up right as i began to feel this warm, dizzy feeling. i gave them hugs and all i wanted to do was laugh and laugh. it was the silliest, most crazymazing feeling ever. and about three minutes later, i leaned against the wall and realized that by some grace of god, i was officially intoxicated. drunk. ME!

and everything was SO ok, you have no idea. i loved everyone and HAD to tell them so. we walked to the back porch RIGHT past b.s. like it was no big deal. a lot of brian's friends, who have only known me to be severely introverted and mousy, came up to talk and all i can recall is lots of laughter and funny faces and flashes going off.

more later. time to shop.

 

 

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