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09.23.03 -

i feel bad that anyone still reads this. there is junk i need to work through and babble about. do yourself a favor and skip this entry. it's pretty pointless.

it's starting to feel like it was all a dream. i had to have imagined all that gorgeousness, it couldn't possibly be real.

let me tell you a little bit about that town, nevada city. it OOZES love. it's sort of disorienting. every single person who lives there is *overwhelmingly* affectionate and sweet and loving. when they get off the phone with each other, they say, "i love you." when they take leave of each other, they embrace with eyes closed and impassioned expressions on their face. they often tell each other they love each other.

and this is seriously, honest to god, every single person in the town. anyone who has ever come from there. it's like a town made up of fairydust. it is endlessly beautiful. miles and miles of hills and foliage. i cannot say enough. i loved it like you love your grandmother.

i'm having a hard time right now, because i felt like i belonged there. it's impossible not to. i knew i was in trouble when i hugged job goodbye yesterday and he said real quietly, "bye baby girl... i'll see you again real soon," when we both know that will never happen. maybe it was harder to say goodbye to job than to anyone else. when jason told me job and i were very very similar i wouldn't conceive of it - but it's so true. it's stupid to talk about, because i cannot adequately describe how in love with job you are after being around him 5 minutes. he's truly magnetic. i didn't cry about saying goodbye to him until we were well out of view, and on our way. but when the tears came, they stung. they were not comforting tears. i HAAAATED leaving.

i am a person who's not only afraid of love, i'm critical of it. i don't believe in it. i think it hurts more than it helps. but being there, you can't help but suspend disbelief.

it's in the way they smile at you. ask you questions. fill up your glass. make you laugh. it's completely amazing there, and i can't make you believe it or even understand it. they grow them differently in nevada city. i feel somehow robbed by the fact that i don't live there and get to spend lots of time with these people.

they made me realize that i have a great potential to love. it feels so new-agey, i know. it makes me uncomfortable still.

i just miss it all, already. i wish i could fast-forward to the end of this movie and see how it turns out. i want to go there again and again, and i want to bring people along so they can see what i mean firsthand.

sleeping did make me feel better, but i'm still sad. deep down, i know that friendship is better and more useful than stupid relationships. it's just hard to settle. i've never tried to sustain a friendship over an obvious, excruciating attraction. i like to think it's just temporary.. we talked about doing it that way.. until we figure out where we're about to land and hopefully can live closer together.. but it seemed too painful and we wanted to be SOMETHING in the meantime.. and now this. nothingness. friendship. until we are in the same room again, i'm sure. but still. it will be good, it just feels like we're taking a step down.

everything is wrong. it's jacket weather now. snuck up on us. it's dark out early. i don't feel like i'm actually living now, i feel like i'm watching from afar. this cannot really be my life. i don't still live at home and go to this same school. i don't still eat at the same places every day.

i have this great desire to scrap everything and start over. there has to be a name for this. i'm not happy anymore. something has to change.



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