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09.24.03 -

what is really really awesome, is that i mailed postcards to a couple people my last day there. they're very very upbeat. very happy and hopeful. i so knew what i was doing. i had so much faith in everything.

laughable, man.

when you get that postcard from me, do me a favor and pitch it without reading it. ouch.. the fact that they're out there.

******

last night, i needed human contact. i needed to just speak to a friend.

i called brian, but he seemed annoyed that i even called. his brother was coming over in ten minutes, which somehow translated to he had no time to talk to me in the moment.

he sounded somewhat bitter and rushed.

i called billy, but he was entertaining friends. by this point, i was on the verge of tears. i had encountered so many not-nice people that day, and all i needed was some regular conversation and a few laughs.

but billy thought i was drunk, and was acting really weird. so i started to cry, because i didn't know what else to do. i wanted to say, "i'm not ok, ok? i'm not ok with ANYTHING right now, so cut me some slack."

instead i sat silently. which he interpreted as animosity, i think. it was only a couple minutes, but it may have been the worst couple of minutes i've ever had with him.

so i called jeremy, who was not home.

sarah was not home.

this had officially exhausted the list of people who know me best and really care.

so i had to dig out an old standard.

rita has been trying to contact me since she said all of those horrible things to me. she has called, emailed, imed relentlessly. she called me on my birthday several times, and basically said, "i don't care if you don't think we're friends anymore - we ARE. nothing will ever change that." it made me laugh, her confidence.

while i was gone, she dropped off two cards and a bracelet she got in california. she knows i hate jewelry, but she always buys it for me in the hopes that maybe i'll 'come around'.

i was so desperate for human contact that i called her. and she, SHE was actually HAPPY to hear from me. she told me to come over and we'd go for a drive.

so we did. and i spilled my guts about EVERYTHING. i expected her to be judgemental and disapproving, but she seemed to understand that i would not be this way over just anything.

she has a somewhat similiar situation, and hers' lives about an hour away from mine. we bonded. for the first time in god, maybe six years?

i cried and cried and told her about how i'm unsure of EVERYTHING lately. i don't know why i'm in school, i don't know what i want to be, i don't want to grow up and get boring, i don't want to live in the midwest, i don't know where i stand with certain people, etc etc. and she listened, and told me the things i needed to hear.

it's funny because when you're THERE, and you NEED to hear things and you COULD tell them to yourself, it does no good. someone from outside of you has to say it. it makes you feel better. relating to people. it's the strangest thing.

i had to stay at her house afterwards because i was locked out of my house [they tend to start and stop doing that depending when they're mad at me...], and this morning it was so nice to wake up with someone else there to eat breakfast with.

i need people, dammit. i don't want to, but i do.

and all my life, i've been drawn to people with strong, stable families. i've never had one. and all my life, i've known people so magnetic that they have TONS of friends. their friends are like a second family. and i've never had that either.

one time in my life i felt i had a family, and i finally understood why those ghetto girls go on jenny jones at 14 and talk about wanting to have a baby. so they'll have someone to love them unconditionally.

i am unsure as to why it's so hard to accept this. i have been on the opposite end many times, and i could never get why the other person couldn't get over it.

my life is like a smiths song these days. take your pick!

today he wrote me a letter i mostly regarded as fluffy garbage, about how i'm amazing and have affected him deeply... j-u-n-k.

it read like a really bad senior yearbook entry:

"dear laura, i will always treasure the time we spent in science class together. you're the most amazing deducer i've ever known, and i will truly keep you in my heart forever. and as we stand at the starting line of adulthood, about to go our separate ways in life, i just want you to know..."

blah blah.

it made me want to vomit all over his face.

but then there was a second note written just two hours later, and it was THE sweetest list of things he already misses about me.

it makes me crazy. he does this constantly.

we decided at one point to just be friends. he went to work and called me an hour later. i picked up the phone:

"hi!"

"i love you."

"what? don't say that, it's not..."

"i love you. i just had to tell you so. i already miss you."

goddamnit who DOES that crap?

so, i am one confused little hot potato. and i am reminded of a certain jeff buckley song...

 

 

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