09.25.03 - 1:53 pm
one week ago today: bliss.
today: not so much.
faith is something i've never much been good at. but that's exactly what i have to have. i'm starting to formulate an idea of where i'm going and what i'm doing, because i cannot stand to exist otherwise.
maybe all the answers aren't over there, but some of them are bound to be.
and christ, it can't fucking hurt to shorten the gap.
i know it's over.. and it never really began.. but in my heart it was sooo real.
funny how things change so quickly. at this EXACT TIME, one week ago, i was knee-deep in faith. the happiest i can ever remember being. i was living a dream.
i'm in dream limbo. i'm about to wake up, but i'm doing that thing where i struggle to keep my eyes closed and stay unconscious.
i could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough. or i could make a career of being blue. i could dress in black and read camus. smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth, like i was seventeen. that would be a scream. but i don't want to get over you.
[part of me has to enjoy this, or else why wouldn't i just give up?]