09.26.03 - 2:29 pm
girl's night ins with sarah are the best. neither of us went in to work yesterday [she called out sick, i'm just a deadbeat no-shower].
we talked and talked. we looked up relationships in the relationship book and found them to be uncannily, disgustingly accurate [for the most part]. she made us mudslides that were so good they must be illegal. i told her so many secrets i almost can't believe it. we bonded over our shared dirtiness and swapped stories [hers were way better, way more beautiful than filthy..]
we listened to the music our boys make and complimented them. and cried. we counseled each other on what to do in the boy-department. we laid in her bed helplessly.
we talked about learning to play instruments and starting a band. she's been saying we should do this since i met her, but it's only really now that i'm serious about it.
she read messages from my confused love interest and expressed just the right amount of "what the hell!?!?" she said she wants to punch his face in, and i told her to get in line.
laughter was sincere and much-needed. i let my guard way down, and let her see a very stripped-down, broken, sad girl. i thought it would be harder to do, but i think my body was desperate to untense itself.
at 2am when her boy called, i took control of the sofa. i listened to her giggle and share sweetness with him. it made me really homesick for that time. the 2000 mile away phonecalls are better than anything, ever. what she has is real, and what i had, wasn't.
i once again replaying all these promises.. all these plans we had.. all these jokes we had. and wondered where they went... overnight... for no apparent reason.
makes me so sad that i learned the hard way. i won't make that mistake again.
this morning i wrote and told him about my feelings being hurt. i realize it ultimately won't do any good, because who wants to hear touchy-feelie crap from someone you considered dating and decided not to? it's annoying and pitiful. regardless, i sent it. i wouldn't have felt ok if i hadn't.
i also changed my friendster profile. it's a lot more accurate now. next, i WILL be going through and leaving everyone unflattering but honest testimonials. feel free to do the same for me. as long as they're true, i will accept them.
be ready, yours' is coming soon.
*****
that song eric wrote sarah breaks my heart, everytime i think of it. i cannot get it out of my mind.
bring the courtship, bring the passion, friendship, marriage, children, things that mark the landmarks of a life.
now those. THOSE. are some goddamn beautiful lyrics.
when it rains, it pours.
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