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10.01.03 - 3:24 am

so silly, i am.

obviously if he changes his profile [that website will be the DEATH of me..] and it could possibly be interpreted as an attack on me, that's exactly what it is.

i forget that he is incapable of getting angry at people. he isn't like me. he's not passive-aggressive. he doesn't just decide to be through with people.

about 1230am, my stomach started to buzz. he woke me up from a nightmare i was having. i had been physically fighting or struggling with some faceless girl, and i was aware that it had something to do with sexual jealousy. i tried to explain it, but when you're still half asleep it comes out sounding like jibberish.

"laura, would it still be ok if i came out there to visit?" for a couple seconds i didn't breathe.

did he really just say that?

"hahaha. of COURSE it would be! you know that."

"yeah, but would you *want* me to?"

are you kidding me?

"soooo much, i do."

he told me he's opened up a savings account to save up for a plane ticket. that is the PURPOSE of this bank account. do you see how incredible that is? he makes twice as much as i do per month, and has precious few bills. and being the crazy that i am, i've already looked up how much flights are from there to here in october. LESS THAN 200 DOLLARS on hotwire dot com. amaaaazing.

the thought of him being here, and soon, is such a mindfuck. he will meet my friends, and family. he will see my town. he will look through my cd collection. he will eat at my favorite restaurants. he will see chicago.

things are falling into place.

he played some new songs he's been working on over the phone. they are... so beautiful. he has this ear for melodies. i asked him if he'll still talk to me when he gets all popular and famous, and he laughed and made me promise not to become his number one fan. because seriously, this person has outstanding talent. if he didn't have such stagefright, he would get a huge following very fast.

then he asked me which one of his songs is my favorite, and he played it for me. just like that. it completely melts me. and then he played me all my favorite aimee mann songs. i've never had access to a person like this before. and every single day i'm wondering why he likes *me* so much, when he could have anyone?

he and job are working on another play, and this time they want to tour the country. those two minds together create things that are SO funny and SO smart that i get awestruck. i asked him how he could afford to tour, and he said touring = making money. the two of them have many friends all over the country, so it's pretty conceivable. i look at him and i think, "yes, this person knows what the fuck life is all about. fun and play and music and art and travel and comedy and sweetness and love. he's not buckled down by the man. he somehow escaped his clutches. i hope to be that cool when i'm that old."

and if/when they come to chicago, i will force EVERYONE i know to come see their show. you will not regret, or forget, it. so exciting to me it makes my stomach turn!

i write about here so that i'll never forget. i've never really had a written record of my feelings for a person before. i look forward to coming back here and reading this when times are bad and when times are slow. feelings this good can't be kept under wraps.

he calls me 'princepessa", and that's exactly how i feel.



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