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10.05.03 - 7:27 pm

the anvil of reality came down upon me today. i know what's happening. i'm not gonna play along anymore. because really, what's the point?

that's what i always come back to.

"the key to being happy is not taking anything seriously - especially not yourself."

what do you do when all you know how to be is serious? i USED to be silly. but it's gone now. the silliness of other people makes me uncomfortable. i used to be funny. i can't identify what exactly caused this, or how to get myself back.

*****

last weekend after we saw saturday looks good to me play, i wrote the singer guy a friendster message to tell him his show was good. i figured it was alright since he's good friends/ters with my friend meg. i told him she and i would be at his show that happened last night. imagine our surprise when meg was on the guestlist, plus one.

i lied to him before - i don't really like his band. i felt bad for him because no one was buying his cds at the merchandise table. his solo stuff, however, i LOVE. there was one song where he talked about falling in love with your smile before falling in love with your voice... i ended up buying his cd that didn't even have that song on it. this is always my luck.

he was the opener, and after his set he came right up to meg. james and i pretended we didn't come with her, but were standing near enough to hear him ask if he could hang out with us tonite. and then could he stay at her place? the bitch agreed, knowing that i had driven, and that this amazing songwriter was going to have to come in MY car if we were going to go anywhere.

thankfully, it turned out he couldn't meet up with her until later. they swapped phone numbers, and he came to sit on the bench along the wall with us.

he made the mistake of speaking to me - i had up to now been pretending he didn't exist.

"so are you the one who wrote me that message?"

"yeah." i wouldn't look at him. i wouldn't smile. my voice was flat and disinterested.

"cool, i'm sorry i haven't had the chance to write back."

"yeah, whatever."

"soooo... did you enjoy the show tonight?"

"uhmm... yes." i didn't sound too convincing, mostly because i ended up liking his set more than snoozapalooza-ida's.

"hahaha. it's ok, you don't have to say that."

"NO. i really. jesus christ. look, i liked the show, OK? it was good."

[..silence..]

and then i put my hand in his face, out of nowhere. you know the "talk to the hand" gesture? that's what i did. i had no control over it. i was freaking out, i didn't know what to say, i didn't know how to save the situation, and so shutting him up was the best i could do.

meg and james fell over in laughter, and when i got the guts to look at him he was turned toward me, staring at the ground. i thought maybe he hadn't seen what i did.

i felt.... AWFUL.

i got up and walked outside. meg came out a minute later, still laughing. she apologized for me, told him i was a big fan, just really starstruck. he said, "she's kind of mean."

so yes. this is my life. if you sing songs that touch my heart, don't ever bother speaking to me.

makes me happy i found out about jason's music way after meeting him.

and i thought i was doing so much better...

*****

skye vanilla vodka and coca cola tastes like candy, and is my new best friend.

*****

i hate everything i've ever written. delete it all tomorrow, start again.

 

 

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