10.06.03 - 8:03 pm
pat325.ccs.yorku.ca:
blocked referrer?
please. leave me alone.
*****
i'm such a pushover. of course it's ok. of course i'm not mad. yeah, i'm so tough.
i make deals with myself.
"if this doesn't happen, then i will feel this way."
"if this happens, i will believe this."
i've been doing so as long as i can remember.
was there any doubt that i'd react this way?
i'm just glad to know you're alive.
*****
today adam and i took his mom's kitten to my animal hospital. we named her edward. i lied and told everyone it was a stray cat i found by a barn, so that adam could get a discount. makes me miss having animals, but not the responsibility they require you to deal with.
adam provided some much-needed comic relief over dinner, and made me wonder why it took me so long to ever start hanging out with him.
tomorrow i'm going to a painting party [reminds me of the old days], except i'll be doing homework. the pressure is on for me to paint, but i swears if i don't get these notecards done it'll be the end of me.
i am the queen of going in for extra help this week.
*****
you've got me good, dammit. i don't even know how to break free. how do you stop feelings that you *know* in the long run will only kill you, when you LIKE them?
what exactly is it that i like? the attention? the movie-like romance of it? the distance? the closeness? the meeting of minds? the chemistry?
all of that and just...
*you*
i can't stop it. i can take my mind off it, but when i have even ONE free moment, my mind wanders to the things we did and didn't do.
i made a double cd soundtrack to my feelings for you. i made the best package ever.
factor down the impetus for me sending it, and you've got me desperately trying to remind you why you ought not let me fall out of your mind. it's completely selfish. i want to make you feel good, so that you'll make me feel good.
even after this crashes and burns, i need to remember that this was an important experience. it has caused me to FEEL for and about someone for the first time in years.
you make me want to do *bad* things that i'd never normally want to do, by NOT trying to talk me into them.
and i do tell myself over and over that this is not real, and he does not want me. the new mantra part was true.
i just don't know how true the statement is, and i don't think he does either.
put me out of my misery. i'd like to obsess over something else now, thanks.
*****
as a sidenote, that's what you get for being so goddamn noncommittal all the damn time. i didn't do anything wrong, because nothing was carved in stone.
decisions are powerful things.
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