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10.09.03 - 12:38 pm

top ten things i miss:

1. my ears popping constantly.

2. tight black tshirts and faded blue jeans.

3. encouraging winks from across a room full of people.

4. singing along to aimee mann and the smiths at the top of our lungs with the windows down.

5. the smell of suntan lotion.

6. the orange beanbag in front of the movie screen.

7. catching him watching me.

8. acoustic guitar and his shaky voice.

9. the laughter that poured out of the office.

10. speaking french to each other.


last night i found a folder and a notebook full of lyrics my dad wrote up till i was a little over a year old. i know i mentioned before that he used to sing country music, but i may not have said anything about how amazing he was.

i sat on my bed, and read his words, and cried a lot. his lyrics are so natural.. it's not like how most people sit down with a rhyming dictionary. it's as if the words came pouring out of him, and just happened to rhyme.

i don't know if there was ever music put to any of them - i have to assume there was. some of the songs have chord notations written in that i can't understand.

i was just... awestruck.

my dad loved women - a lot. i remember him talking to me about sex when i was six or seven. it made me really uncomfortable. i remember him saying it was the single most pleasurable experience a human could have, and that i should never be ashamed of it when it happened to me.

i was six?

he and i, we're so similar. he was always caught in between the world of grownups, real jobs, and money.. and rock n' roll, hanging out, and having fun.

he wrote about having to make a choice between the two, realizing he can't have both. he wrote about getting his shit together and looking himself in the eye in the mirror. he wrote about drugs and of women leaving him.

he wrote the most hilarious song called "redneck girl" [they had that word 20 years ago???] and another one written from the point of view of a redneck fella. he wrote about being a downhome country boy, and appreciating the simple things in life.. like fishing, laughter, music, love..

i was.. so proud.

i remember him playing festivals when i was a kid. he'd be up on stage, playing for a big group of people, and he'd call me up to introduce me. i was shy, even then, but i loved the attention. my dad was a local celebrity, and i knew it. he would ask me for a request, and then play whatever i told him to. even little kid songs. he was amazing.

it just kills me. there's so much music in my blood, but i never learned how to play an instrument. and i'm fairly certain if i'd continued to grow up in southern illinois, i would have been taught guitar and banjo and all kinds of fun things. he and i would have sung together. a father/daughter team.

now i'm twenty-two. i've never written a song. i can't play anything. my daily thoughts aren't lyrical. i, too, am stuck in a limbo between two worlds.

it also occured to me how very much like my mom i am.

she fell for a rockstar. someone who would write songs about, someone really romantic. a foil to her extremely pragmatic and organized self. she fell in love with the same kind of person i'm always dreaming about, to the dismay of her family. a city girl in love with a country boy.

you don't really let yourself think about these things too often - or at least i don't. why bother, you know? but i found this stuff for a reason.

it was humbling.



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