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10.12.03 - 2:52 am

my best friend has discovered alcohol, and he now abuses it whenever he has a chance.

the people he drinks with are not my friends. he sees them far more frequently than he sees me.

and whatever man, that's fine.

all summer long i hinted to him that we were growing apart... he kept saying i was wrong.

he talks to me now about how much fun he has with them. we're talking online, right now, and he's drunk. he tells me about outrageous things he's done that in truth, i would've liked to see. it actually hurts, talking to him right now. saying, "yeah i miss him" isn't strong enough. i miss *us*.

and he's oblivious.

he drove home drunk tonite. his friends let him do that. it wasn't the first time.

i worry about him. i always have. i want to assure myself that they're not his *real* friends, because they don't care as much as i do. but as far as he's concerned, they are. and so the point is moot.

i'm trying so hard not to be jealous. i'm NOT a jealous fucking person. i try to listen to his stories about them with grace and a sense of humor. and i mean he does have funny stories. but it's hard. i've been replaced, as much as he tries to protest that. a year ago today, bethany and i would have been the stars of all his funny stories. and now it's a parade of friendster nobodies.

i just miss him. even when we spend time together, it's not the same. we don't have our comedic chemistry anymore. maybe we never did.. maybe he was just making do with what he had at the time. i dunno.

i love him, and there's no real solution, so i write about it here because i have no one else to tell.



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