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10.22.03 - 9:18 am

in actuality, i am not meant for bigger things than this. and all along when i've thought i was, i've been wrong.

this is affecting me.

i'll get these "too good to be true" feelings about people. i'll wonder when they'll come to their senses and realize they're clearly 800 timse more amazing than me. so when it happens, i'm sad but i'm not blindsighted.

i was thisstupidclose.

so last night i was reading through calvin johnson's testimonials, even though i'm really annoyed with him right now. he is a person who has really lived. he's made a difference. he's inspired people and made contributions to music. he's somebody.

and he has this neverending cascade of people who simply adore him. they're clever and articulate and loving and starstruck.

i see myself as stuck, and i can't figure how to climb out. no real change can occur until springtime at the earliest. and even then, my relocated self will still be grappling with this soul-searching - a term i truly hate, but find appropriate in this instance.

i can't possibly like a person who uses words like "yo" and "boo-yeah!" and "ya'll" and "word" and "whatever-izzle" regularly.

my week-long vacation has been extended to 38 days. if i'm still feeling this way by then, someone do me a favor and poison my food or something. surrriously.

as a first step, i'm making an amazing/suck list about the situation. if "suck" comes out on top i will be so very satisfied.

this elliott smith deal is really getting to me. i was unaffected by the death of the clash's frontman. i was sad about johnny cash in that "no real attachment to his music" kind of way. it's just hard to accept that i will never see this person perform. when i say i can't stop listening to "either/or", i mean it's lit'rally been on repeat since about 2am and i can't make myself turn it the hell off and go to school.

when i say i'm amazing, i'm trying to convince me more than you. i wish i could be so, but as i said, it's not the way things are. i may someday complete school, but at this moment i find it difficult to imagine becoming a successful human being.

i'll never be one of you, and i think that's what's really hurting right now.



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