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10.24.03 - 10:12 am

yesterday i was thinking about how i want so badly to go to school in california, and how scary it will be. not only is it a huge school in a strange town in a new state, but i effectively know no one. yes, nevada city is a couple hours away. but i don't expect any out-of-the-blue visitors if and when i get there.

and i suddenly got very nervous. i'm not the easiest person to befriend. if you get past the shy exterior, you have to deal with all of these tests and trials before i feel comfortable.

sometimes, honestly, i wonder how i even know anyone.

and then i remembered that i met james at columbia. he was the ONE person i've ever befriended from a class. and through him, i met kyle and aaron and mat and meg.. all people i love. to. death.

i used to say that columbia was a waste of time.. that it's a time in my life shrouded by darkness. that was before james and i became friends again.

he is such a good friend, sometimes i can't take it. i have much, much love for this person.

i also thought about how sarah up and moved to chicago from georgia. she didn't know anyone here, but she came anyway. she spent a good year or so, i think, just hanging out with her brother and sister. she would get really depressed, missing her friends, wondering why she had left.

but she met me and the matts and matthew and alex and pink and joe and a million other awesome people -- because she took a leap and landed here. that's a beautiful thing.

so i'm not so scared anymore. i think as long as i go into it knowing that i'll probably be really lonely and homesick for a while, i'll be ok. unrealistic expectations are the worst buzzkills in the world.

california has my name written all over it.

"i'm NOT afraid anymore!"

*****

james gave me a picture from his party with me, kyle, mat, and aaron in it. kyle's thumb is obscuring my nose and i'm smiling my 'drunk smile' with my eyes closed. it is somehow perfect.

he wrote me a letter - and sent it through the actual mail - a couple weeks ago. in it, he talked about how it's difficult for him to find people he feels connected to and inspired by [which is something i've always liked about him, as i'm the same way]. last night he told me this picture is special to him since it is of his four favorite people.

i haven't been told i was someone's favorite in a long time.

*****

he played my song last night. the show was sold out, and i'd guess that a quarter of the people were JUST there to see iron and wine.

when it started up, i almost fell over. there was an audible shift in the crowd, as if everybody else was almost falling over as well. it was toward the end of his set, and i was pretty sure that i'd already missed it [we got there a little late] or it wasn't on the setlist.

it was.. one of the most beautiful moments i've ever had at a show. i saw so many people clutching at their heart and swaying. this man... with his voice and guitar.. is so simple, so gorgeous, i can't describe it.

it was worth recognizing all the friendsters there and being grossed out by the hyper-cool energy in the room.

i don't think of one specific person when i hear this song. it just captures this *feeling* i've gotten from time to time. it could be applicable to a lot of people, i guess. it just speaks to me.

during this song, it was me and him. no one else mattered.

*****

"what's the point in wasting time/ on people that you'll never know... come on, let's go."

 

 

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