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10.25.03 - 6:12 pm

i wrote brian a friendster message yesterday. i was as honest as possible. i apologized for some things, and tried to explain how i get irrationally frustrated with him and how i'm trying not do that anymore. i told him several times that i miss him, and hope we can still be friends.

i have this feeling it was not well-received.

it's only been a day, but i can tell i'm not getting a response.

i'll keep you posted.

*****

jeremy just called to tell me this super-weirdo kid he met at school last year randomly called and invited him to attend this 'lame people unite' party the day after halloween.

he was so tickled by it because he knew exactly who he could invite to come with him.

i'm so psyched. it's totally the kind of party *i* would throw and no one would come to. the lamesters? they're my people.

and i've heard some pretty ridiculously crazy stories about this ian person, so i'm more than a little interested in seeing him live.

*****

today i spent four hours in my school library researching arranged marriages for a sociology paper i'm doing. i also have to interview my friend's parents, who have an arranged marriage. and all the stuff i'm finding shows evidence that people in these situations rate themselves as happier than people in 'love marriages'. it's some crazy stuff. my whole angle on the issue was going to be, "don't you feel you've given up your dream.. your drive.. your right to find true love in this crazy world?" but i don't know, maybe that's really the way to go. these people, they say the love grows over the years. there's no passion, no fighting, and it's very stable.

of course, most of these marriages are ruled by the man with a heavy fist.

but man, it'd be nice. then i wouldn't have to apply every stupid song i hear to my situation.

there ain't no shame in liking the new dido song, ok?

i am on day 5 of non-communique. i don't even feel like i'm missing out on anything. i'm slowly trying to convince myself that this person doesn't exist - never did. a figment of my imagination. all these amazing memories? my creation. they add up to absolutely nothing.

take the lessons you've learned and hit the road.

cos you know damned well he's not sitting around, wringing his hands over how to make things better. he ain't missing your red towel hanging up in the bathroom anymore. nothing's going to be the same anymore. you were just too good for him. he likes his ladies to strike like vipers and keep him in check. you're too sweet for rock n' roll.

yeah yeah.

i was thinking today about how i used to say everyone is replaceable. when one relationship ends, no big deal. a new relationship head will sprout where the last one died.

and the thing is, i still believe that.

remember that boy you were so lovesick over for three years? three whole years! and see how many amazing people you've met as a result of not being with him! there would have been no jaytear if there had been any tyroni still on the table.

which shitty band had the song with the phrase, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"? doesn't matter. i've always liked that line.

and be honest, what is the end to your means? what do you really want to happen in the long run?

marriage? y'uh RIGHT. death first, please. long-term relationship? get real. you get sick of them at the 11 month mark, without fail. you'd eventually have to go through this withdrawal/break up thing again.

it's BETTER to be just friends, fool. and i know you know that. but you need to K-N-O-W that and not be so mopey inside all the time.

pick your wilted ego off the ground and dust her off. you're still just as great as you were when he met you. you're just a little smarter and a little softer, is all.

[i don't even care that he's signed onto aim right now. i just thank the sweet lord that aol lets you block certain users from seeing you, but not from you seeing them. it's sick, and i can't explain it...]

tonight: clem snide.

 

 

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