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10.28.03 - 2:48 am

today in my sociology class we watched a movie about a woman who falls for a gay man and is uprooted from her life of relative stability into this whirlwind of emotions and drama.

i could relate, sans the gay part.

but watching someone else go through the motions i'm going/been through made me see things in a different light. it's fucking pathetic. it's fucking stupid. it's fucking hard.

this idea of mine to cut off all communication for x amount of time was genius. it's working. i'm forgetting his face slowly. i can't even remember how he looks when he laughs.

i wish i could just be normal about people.

jeremy said something fairly obvious to me the other day... a side comment, really. it made all the difference. rather than protesting it and saying, "no but you don't understand..." i thought, "no but *i* don't understand... all of this is being propagated in my own head, as always."

everytime i let my mind wander to the subject of him, i force myself to quick change subjects mentally. it's working. soon enough i won't think of him at all anymore.

then, and only then, can i start talking to him again.

i WILL be a normal human, i WILL.


[editor's note: today is now 11/19. i read this and i'm embarrassed. such a judgemental prick i am. this boy i'm about to talk about, he's a wonderful person. he has faults. he drives me crazy-bad sometimes. but i like him a lot. but this was my honest to god first impression, and although i'd like to delete it and pretend that i always thought he was this great, i cannot...]

tonight i made a new friend who's so sarcastic, so hilarious, so fun...

the only problem is he's one of these unapologetic hipsterfuck types. from the haircut to the glasses to the duds to the band namedropping to statements like, "dude, music is like, my life. i totally have over 1000 cds.."

regardless, i'm fond of him.

i like that i have no way of contacting him other than through shannon, who introduced us. he goes to school at niu, thank god, so there's no way i can just run into him haphazardly.

he reminds me a little of max fischer...

did i mention that he's so hilarious?

it's a nice short-term distraction.



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