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11.12.03 - 4:28 pm

so we took this ridiculously hard sociology test last week.

i had read most of the material. i had taken notes in class. i had paid attention. i wasn't nervous. i knew this stuff. i have an A in the class. i'm a superstar.

this test knocked me on my ass. i looked over at some of the smarter kids in the class [with whom i am starting to exchange friendly, knowing smiles] and they were tugging at their hair, biting their lips. i knew i wasn't alone.

i trudged through and wrote the extra credit essays. i was, once again, the last one to finish. i told myself not to be upset if i did poorly. it was obviously a rotten test and i went into it prepared and i did my best.

we got our grades back today. my test was the only A in the class.

my smarty pals all got C's. i shouldn't feel as good about this as i do.

our teacher takes attendance by having us sign a sheet on the way out. he happened to be watching when i signed my name. he stopped me and said, "oh, *you're* loralys mcd-----? i've been wanting to know who loralys was for a long time. you do some extraordinary work in this class. everything you turn in is delightful.."

he wanted to know about what i'm majoring in and why. he looked disappointed in me. he told me what a joy it is to have someone like me in his class. how i'm one of the brightest students he's seen in a long time. what a good writer i am and how promising my future looks to him.

all the while, my new pal brandon was standing next to me. it was so embarrassing. i mean it was GOOD, but i felt bad.. hearing these things in front of someone who just got a C- on our test.

i finally had to shield my face from my teacher and turn away, because he wouldn't stop saying things. he laughed and apologized and told me i was free to go.

it was amazing. these last two years, i have always gained the respect of my professors an several of them have even pulled my aside to praise my work. but never ever like this.

our teacher isn't exactly friendly, or heavy-handed with the A's. he's a little absent-minded [he's 70 something years-old and teaching a sex, marriage, and family class...] but he's fucking smart. and i like him a lot. this meant a lot to me.

on the way home i was struck once again by how unintelligent i used to think i was. how i was incapable of anything. a terrible writer. logic-less. inferior in any way.

i'm not exactly sure of the moment those perceptions changed, but i know it was largely due to the fact that i worked with the job-less public, helping them find jobs. when i saw how inept most people [and i do mean most] are with simple arithmetic and spelling, i'm sure my self-concept was boosted just a bit.

today was a good day.



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