11.26.03 - 9:23 am
the sight of your friend isn't supposed to make you want to vomit. i think i've never disliked you as much as i do right now. i should feel bad because it isn't really your fault, but i don't.
which is better: expelling someone from your life for as long as you need to or pretending every single day that you'd be sad if they died just cos it makes things easier?
you're pathetic, friend.
*****
people who haven't seen me in a long time keep telling me how different and at ease i seem now.
and it's true. remember all that anxiety and weirdness i'd have for NO good reason? i let it go. i still have my moments, but people don't intimidate me anymore. i just don't care. i like everyone until they give me reasons not to [although past snap-judgements shall not be reversed...]
it has something to do with coming to terms with that crazy 'love' idea and deciding it's real, vital, and beautiful.
i'm at a point where i don't regret a single thing i've ever done. i've always scoffed at that 'live your life without regret' saying because there were sooo many things i'd have liked to take back.
but those awful things i did and said, they helped shape who i am right now. i really love me right now - that is remarkable.
i'm so sick of the internet; i'm rarely on it anymore. my life has revolved around returning emails and checking profiles for the last two to three years. it's no way to live.
phones and snail-mail are much more appealing options. and hey, there's always actual human interaction.
and i don't know if he really is so *good* or if i just make him out to be, but he's never once made me feel sad or worthless. when people are fearless about their feelings, my own expressiveness kicks in. he's the opposite of everything i usually go for, and it is splendid.
i would like this weekend to end as soon as possible so life could move on to another NONstressful period.
writing in here is allowing me to procrastinate finishing a paper.
*****
you and she have a relationship that we could never have had. maybe i'm lying when i say i'm ok with it.. maybe that will never fully happen.
the only way i know to cope is pull back and let the damage be done. it would be so much easier if either or both of you sucked.
we were never that close.
*****
listening to the O.R. when everything in your life is happiness feels like a guilty pleasure. and yet, i can't stop.
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