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12.25.03 - 12:14 am

let me bring you up to speed...

i haven't written in this diary for over two weeks because i've succeeded in diminishing the hold my computer has over me. i check my email every other day at best, and i find it difficult to even respond to the people who do write.

adam and alex and i bought tickets to ireland yesterday. we're going in february and staying with my friend, marc. it's all exciting but i don't think it's hit me yet. they had another one of those 200 dollar roundtrip deals and i couldn't possibly pass it up.

i took my boyfriend to wisconsin for a week to visit my family, and it was as if they'd always known him. everything he said made them laugh and the kids looked at him in astonished reverence.

i got my hair cut and it's cute, but i'm not sure yet if it's me. it's technically a "good" cut because the girl knew what she was doing.. i'm just not used to blow drying and styling my hair everyday. it bares a scary resemblance to david bowie's hair in "zoolander".

ben-stillerama was another big success. this time, twice as many people came and despite me having absolutely NO budget, i pulled off buying some snacks for my guests. the best part for me was watching "zoolander" in a room full of my favorite people. everybody was laughing at the right parts.

i got straight a's, again, except for the class i forgot to drop... oops.

my aunt told me yesterday that she will pay for my room and board wherever i decide to go to school next year. this is significant because i was wondering how i was ever going to be able to afford rent AND tuition AND entertainment. student loans are already good friends of mine, but this new revelation was totally unexpected and appreciated.

i got a letter from kari a little over a week ago. she sounds like she's doing really really well. truth be told, i was aching to write her back the second i saw the envelope and recognized her handwriting. however, she's a crafty one and has fooled me with her, "i'm really not a schizophrenic bipolar freak anymore" bit, so i'm being cautious and doing nothing for the time being.

instead of lots of computer time, i've been spending my nose in books lately. i'd forgotten how much i like reading. isn't that sad to say? today i spent at least 3 or 4 hours reading "the perks of being a wallflower". i finally had to put it down because it became so sad and i was identifying with the narrator so strongly. he also reminds me of people i have loved and known. where i find holden caulfield to be too whiny and critical, charlie is just the right amount of sentimentality, sensitivity, and loving.

when he says, "i love you," i believe him. for the most part. things that should or did scare me now do not. i don't see any of it as heavy duty rumination material anymore. one day at a time is fine. and although he picks on me quite a bit and tries to get me to wear cuter, hipper clothes, he's still the nicest any boy has ever been to me. we watched "life is beautiful" together and he cried at the end. since then, he's called me "principessa" every single day. it's been years and years since anyone looked at me the way he does, even when i'm feeling really ugly and disgusting. my family told him that he was the best things that had ever happened to me, and that they'd never seen me so happy. i don't know about all of that, but i know that he is important to me in a way that would not have been possible a mere year ago.

and when i say it back to him, it isn't because i think i'll mean it forever, or even in six months. it's how i feel now, and it's undeniable. i used to wonder how you "know" what the feeling is, how you can distinguish it. the answer is: experience. you just can. loving someone isn't scary. letting your heart go is beautiful. when i say it aloud, it's often spontaneous and unplanned; it just pops out. and that's part of why i'm ok with everything. when i'm around him, i feel like my heart is taking a nice warm bubble bath, or a dip in the hot tub. calm, relaxing, soothing.

i haven't bought anyone christmas presents this year because it simply slipped my mind. that, and i have no money. that, and i don't believe in any of that nonsense. it's just been so much less stressful this time around, not worrying about presents. i instructed everyone in my life to leave me off their christmas lists, and i think most people have complied. i successfully avoided family time tonight, and tomorrow i'm lucky enough that the christmas festivities will be over by 11am. afterwards, i'm supposed to drive all the way up to mundelein to meet his dad. one down, one to go.

he wrote the loveliest biography of me. i mentioned it before, but i just have to say that the final copy was very meaningful to me.

the other night i spent two hours in his bed "crying for the death of my heart". i told him all about them and the misery i still sometimes feel. it felt good to get it off my chest and feel lips on my forehead and a heart beating against my own and strong arms around my weakling ones. he may not have understood completely, but he could appreciate where i was coming from. i can only guess that it gave him an infinte amount of new insight as to where i'm coming from.

i have a new-found love of long-island iced tea's, buttery nipples, and amaretto sours.i think that's what they're called? at a work party last week [they rented out brunswick zone and we bowled for free! how cool is that??] we each got 2 free drinks and i used mine to try new concoctions. i wanted to get tipsy and FAST, so someone recommended the iced-tea drink since it's almost completely liquor. they did the trick, and i had more fun that night with shannon, ben, and her friend mike bowling and then booty dancing at some club than i can remember having in a very long time.

this book, "tuesdays with morrie", is also very meaningful to me and makes me want to become a better person. therefore, there will be some changes very soon.

one of them will be the death of this diary. i meant to close it down tonite, but it's simply not possible. i went through and deleted almost 100 entries tonite, and by january 1st they will all be gone.

i've been taking stock of the people in my life and realizing that yet again i had faith in the wrong people. it's funny how different sorts *gravitate* towards each other. it's funny how certain people are such good judge of character even after a 5 minute exposure.

i'm not all about burning bridges, i just feel so completely disconnected from a certain sect of "friends" and i don't have any interest in re-soldering the ties. there was one night in particular that the self-imposed loss got to me, but it passed quickly.

i don't really want to be writing here about my thoughts and feelings and actions because really the whole diaryland thing has become more of a stage for most people than a genuine outlet. i may continue to write on here, but it will finally and completely be just for me. no links to other diaries or profiles or any of that garbage.

lately my life has been all about making things as honest and simple as possible. i spend time with people i'm comfortable around, and who make me laugh. the ones who don't try to be something they're not. the ones who know what they like and don't look to be noticed.

the holiday season always kind of gets me down, but my heart is truly so full of love and happiness for what i have.

this honestly isn't one of those website suicide notes and jeremy and i have protested so much in the past. there are things i had to say before i go. i'm wading through old entries as quickly as possible. i've rediscovered a love of myself. i've remembered how passionate and happy i was/am. i'm saving the still relevant entries, or those with particularly good memories attached in microsoft word.

i'm not trying to delete everything that's happened and where i've been. i just don't want it in the public domain anymore.

2003 has been one of the most painful, trying, confusing, eye-opening, exciting, soul-searching years of my life. i cannot imagine that 2004 will be nearly as eventful. i'm starting to appreciate little things every single day, and i think that's a step in the right direction.



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