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01.15.04 - 9:13 pm

my last friend in naperville moves to chicago on sunday. from now on, i have to drive at least 40 miles in any direction to be around people i like.

i can't get over how replaceable everyone is. the last few days i've been really unhappy, thinking about all the people i've replaced... and been replaced by... nothing means anything.

should i stay or should i go? that's the question. i ask myself all day, every day. it's not healthy. it's not fun. the thought of giving up and walking away... if i'm about to be pushed away, i'll readily accept it.

i can't talk to anyone about it. today, i tried. you can't possibly care enough for me to want to tell you. this is my own mess... unloading it onto anyone else feels disgusting.. and weak.. and lonely.

none of my options are appealing. i feel like i'm 15 again. i'm a ball of yucky feelings.

i'm on this kick where i don't really want to see anyone. people call, and i don't call back. they write, and i never respond. i feel like i want to be forgotten.. i want people to move on from our friendship. i'm setting myself up for it, whether or not i'll be upset over it later. it's the only thing i can do that feels right.

life goes on, but i do not.



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