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01.26.04 - 1:41 pm

she just informed me that she's putting our house on the market in two weeks. they will be selling to a contractor, who will tear the house down and rebuild.

the house next to us was just sold, and the fliers outside say that it costs $799,000 to buy once it's completed.

our house will go for more, because it's on a bigger lot.

they've been talking about doing this for years.

this was her way of saying, "i hope you have a plan. you're running out of time."

i'm either on my own, or moving with them to southern illnois.

because this is her last year of teaching, she has something like 300 sick days saved up and she needs to use as many as possible. now she always to seems to be home, and my bedroom always seems to have been ransacked when i return to it.

for a million reasons, this is NOT a good living arrangement. we absolutely detest one another. i get the hint.

she scoffed at me when i asked her if she would be sad knowing this house, which she's lived in for over thirty years, no longer existed... if she drove past this lot some day and found a new family getting out of their minivan and walking into an unrecognizable monstrousity.

"i don't form emotional connections with inanimate things." she might as well have added "like you do comma stupid" to the end.

there are no words to express how much i absolutely dislike this woman. not one redeeming quality. not. one.

**

is it better to be in a relationship where both participants go with the flow, never ever fight, are totally drama free, but are completely boring? or... a tumultuous one with excruciating highs and lows, but which lets you know you're alive and *feeling* things?

it's hard to say, although after having done both of these, i prefer the more dramatic of the two.

not because i'm a drama queen, but because i enjoy resolving conflicts and the process of communication.

and so, everything is all magical and sweet again. it makes me appreciate things more, coming out of a darker period.

**

he is not the reason we don't speak. it was a conscious decision on my part. that i could've been written off as one of those assholes who just forgets about people when she meets a new boy... that would make me a hypocrite.

it's more a matter of me stepping back and realizing that i have nothing in common with people whom i once thought i had everything in common. it's a matter of me being unable to respect our differences. it's me comparing the "who you were when i met you" to the "who you are now" and being saddened and disappointed by the results.

i'm not even thinking about tomorrow. i have no ill will for anyone. i still think love is the most important thing. but to stay in such close contact would make my phony by proximity.

and that's as honest as i can be.

 

 

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