07.12.04 - 5:28 pm
you are not real. you don't exist. stop pretending that you do.
you are, on one hand,
brilliant
talented
adoring
hilarious
lovable
fun
exhilarating
& wonderful...
but on the other hand, you are,
tormented
moody
unhappy
confused
unmotivated
immature
needy
lonely...
you cannot find a happy medium, and this makes you a lost cause.
i could kill you, absolutely kill you, for all the BULLshit i endured living with and knowing you.
i could punch you for being such an incredibly talented writer (i inadvertently read several of your fiction pieces last semester for reasons you might be able to guess) and musician but doing nothing with it.
i could slap you for ever trying to contact me again. notes on cars or notes online are the same thing to me: cute, but unnecessary.
perhaps five years would be enough time to pass before i was ready to sit down with you and say, "damn, those was some good times we had." two is barely enough for me to say your name without getting a bad taste in my mouth.
the time i spent with you still affects me to this day. i am completely intolerant of any sort of "nurture me" behavior or situation. it's been sucked out of me. no longer am i able to cradle someone's head in my arms and listen to them cry. it all got wasted on you, and the emotional roller coaster to which you subject everyone close to you.
and although i can admit that SOME part of me wants nothing more than to catch up and laugh a lot [because on your good days, you are pretty goddamn hysterical], i can recognize that this is just my stupid sentimentality talking. the same part of me that never really wants to completely say goodbye to anyone. it's sappiness, it's a weakness.
i know that no matter how inspired and idealistic and excited for life you are right now, you are ultimately just full of chaos. i have heard the "i'm finally happy!" spiel from you more than once. i can't believe it anymore.
i gave myself a couple days to think about how or if i wanted to respond to you. this is the best i can do for right now.
i moved far from home, cut off contacts with anyone who might possibly know you, changed my email address... and you still found me.
and anyway i think if i ever saw you again for a catch-up-over-coffee-heart-to-heart sort of thing, my heart would explode over the course of our talk. you never expect THE most heartbreaking thing in the world to happen to YOU, but it has. and i think i could tell anyone else about and somehow be ok. but my god, if it came down to telling you, getting the words out of my mouth...
i'd rather die, i think.
be good. be a lover.
l.
ps you stole my goddamned amelie dvd in your player, you jerk.
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