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10.13.04 - 2:34 pm

i hate that i have two very different, very extreme attitudes with people. it all depends on how much they give me to go on. this is pretty much how it works:

you are available and desire my company, i become more and more unavailable.

you are unavailable and show little interest, my interest in you intensifies exponentially.

i don't why it happens, but it does.

james and i were talking not too long ago and he told me he really likes the fact that i'm aloof, or something along those lines. so maybe the boys, they just play into it all?

basically, here's the deal: if you're going to send me messages all the time about how great you think i am and about your visions of the future, that's fine. but i can't help that it makes me want to retreat as quickly as possible.

i guess after all this time, i'd still respect someone more for punching me in the gut and telling me off for why i suck than cuddling and complimenting me. you tell me that my faults only make you admire me more. it drives me crazy.

i met someone a month ago at a party. we didn't really talk, but i could tell immediately that i'd like him if we knew each other. i *tried* sending signals from across the room that i wanted to meet him, but they were either unreceived or unwanted.

i can't tell you how great that made him to me.

eventually, several weeks later we were out with friends in a social situation and i was able to talk to him. he reminded me of 10 people - simultaneously - but was still completely himself, completely individual.

whether or not i get the chance to really know him is blissfully NOT up to me. i figure i would just wind up disappointed anyway.

nothing is ever going to work out with me -- no romantic notions nor engagements nor experiences. it's best not to even go there.

i don't know what to ever say. i don't like long silences. i don't think i feel the right way. i want you to be happy and i want to not feel possessed.

je t'aime le valley - OH!



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