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02.06.05 - 12:28 am

i am the worst person ever.

i go out of my way to avoid simple awkward situations that EVERYONE has to deal with by orchestrating situations that will make someone ELSE feeling *grandiosely* stupid but will leave me feeling cool as a cucumber.

i don't know what's wrong with me. quite honestly.

i invited j. to the show last night, knowing full well that mr. red would be there and that mr. red has a definite crush on me.

am i able to say, "sorry, jack. i'm spoken for?"

hell no. never have been able to, never will be.

instead i force myself to pretend not to notice him in the corner when j. and i arrive. i begin drinking immediately and allow j. to wrap his arms around me and give me top-o-the-head kisses.

by stealthy observation out the corner of my eye, i see red getting restless. he's shifting his weight and looking in my direction. he's moved across the room to get a better vantage point, or perhaps to MAKE me acknowledge him.

and still, nothing.

finally when the rest of the gang arrives, they tell me he's upstairs getting ready to leave. this isn't part of my plan.

so i rush upstairs and he's gone, having excused himself to "help a friend in need".

my plan was for me to inadvertently "notice" him by craning my neck around and "looking for people i know".

and then i'd rush up to him and say, "hey! i'm so glad you made it!"

he may or may not ask about j. the point would be that he wouldn't *need* to. he would have seen it first-hand. and then i don't feel like a villain.

i'm the worst person, ever.



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