09.27.05 - 1:50 am
dropping like flies, they are.
ashleigh and i went out to a diner after work tonite, and we basically talked about her for three hours. there's something unsettling about her, i can't quite put my finger on it. she's incredibly self-involved and interested in sounding interesting and unattainable. regardless, i am horribly jealous of her in several very particular ways.
which is all fine -- it's just like, y'know, damn. another one bites the dust.
there's always *something* wrong with them.
and i became acutely aware that we will never be more than casual acquaintences because.. well for too many boring reasons. mostly, i feel like i already was her like three years ago.
and anyway, i've always found it very hard to maintain female friendships -- let's be honest, any friendship -- over long stretches of time.
i discover several "unforgivable" flaws in someone and they inevitably grate on me to the point where if i don't sever ties with this person i'll throw myself in front of a bus.
i don't really know what i'm trying to say. i hate my inability to be consistent. i've never figured out how to reconcile all my relationships and find time for everyone.
the thought of getting close to anyone else [at this point] repulses me. i go to school and see all these kids desperate to make friends and have the 'college experience', and i'm the oldest person there and sooooo past all that, and it's nice.
it's nice to not be 18 and not CRAVE social interaction and new experiences.
it's nice to be content with the little i have.
there are people i wish i could *reeeeeeeeeeach out* to and reconnect with. and there are people i'm dying to get to know.
but instead i'll just continue on my current path. because if there's one thing i refuse to be it's clingy. and if there's one thing i refuse to do it's pursue anyone.
mostly it's 2am and i couldn't help but notice and hey, i'm not surprised, it's ok, but also kind of "aw shucks". but there's no way to fix it, and really what would be the point?
mostly, though, it's just 2am.
i'll never understand the effect she has on those boys, and i'll never let myself be available in the way that she is... but i'd also rather ingest harsh cleansing agents than be anything like her.
******
i have gotten an a+ on every single thing i've turned in this quarter. i'm not gonna lie, it feels nice reclaiming my seat as 'head of the class'. i love depaul 8000 times more than i thought i would.
jeremy says he'll someday make a film called "good mickdee hunting".. ;)
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