06.13.03 -
it's nights like these that make you wanna . nothing is happening. i have nowhere to definitely be for 5 days.
it's 9pm on a friday night and i'm choosing to do nothing. there's nothing for me to do tonight, because there's too many things to do. there's no one i can call to hang out, because there are a dozen people i could call. i can't just go to sleep right now because i'm not tired. i can't stay at home because i hate it here, but i have nowhere else to go. i just got paid but every penny in my check is already promised to another party.
did i tell you that there was one day i seriously, SERIOUSLY considered really getting drunk and/or stoned simultaneously as fast as possible? it was about three days after they died, and it didn't even scare me that i wanted those things. i've seen a lot of shittiness, but there ain't never been no pain like the kind i deal with since may 2nd.
i was driving up to wisconsin that day and traffic was really bad. i had the windows cracked and music on as white noise. i was screaming at the top of my lungs for them and crying so hard i couldn't breathe and could barely see. and it just hit me that maybe everyone else in the ENTIRE world has had the right idea all along. maybe using substances really does make things all better. maybe i'd been a sucker all along.
but by this time i was out of state and people were expecting me. i couldn't just turn around and show up at brian's work with a huge bottle of whiskey begging for a "cut" of his "stash". once he was done laughing at me, i would be ushered the hell out. in fact, i think he was out of town at the time.
but whatever. it was an option, but it wasn't really an option.
and let's be realistic...i would probably need to get 'ready to go' pina colada mix since i've never drank before.
some days are better than others. today is not a good day.
*****
"is this your last best chance? are you gonna take it? or are you going to your grave with unlived lives in your veins?"
it kind of sucks when you level with yourself and realize that you're never really going anywhere, and that all these big plans you have are just silly.
*****
something tells me it wasn't just chance that i scavenged two copies of catcher in the rye.
you name a book, and i haven't read it. i am disgustingly unwell-read. or is it poorly-read?
maybe i should invest some time in this holden caulfield business.
how uneducated can i possibly sound?
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