08.10.03 -
you can't fool me. i know an act when i see one. it may have taken me too long to figure it out, but i can see now.
sometimes you just need an outside perspective to ground you and tell you what you need to hear.
*****
yesterday i was riding my bike with no real destination in mind, and as i crossed a small intersection some car honked at me. i had headphones on and probably looked more startled than i really was. i stupidly looked up to see who it was, and i swear it was this boy named mike who i dated for about five minutes a couple years ago.
we were friendly after the "breakup" [if i recall, i just stopped answering the door and phone, then instructed my family to do the same... such an asshole move] for a short time. but i had met him through this girl, kari. and as she's the biggest mess of a human being i've ever seen, our friendship eventually ended, as did the one i had with mike.
mike had these big, unmistakable eyes and this funny smile. and at first i was angry that i was spotted [i happened to be riding near her house at the time, so i assume they're all still friends], but then i decided it was nice to see him, if only for a split second. and i realized two things about myself:
1) i am one of the most overly sentimental people i know. if i met you for two minutes, three years ago, somewhere deep down i'm wondering how you are and hoping i see you again someday. there are a handful of people i honest-to-god hope are dead, but everyone else out there is missed to a certain degree. i like to tell myself my heart is stone and all that garbage, but really it's full to the brim and limitless.
2) i've made lots of mistakes in my life, and i used to sit around thinking about them and torturing myself and calling myself names and hating myself and all that good stuff. but i don't do that any more... i start to, and then i stop. i could say more, but i won't.
*****
on days as pretty as today, it is criminal to stay inside.
hello, open air! here i come. sad mixtape i made for myself four summers ago in tow.
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