08.30.03 - 9:04 pm
oh. my. christ.
somebody kill me now. it's like if i'm not feeling that stupid goddamn russsssh then i'm feeling nothing at all.
i wish there weren't so many *amazing* people thousands of miles away. if i were a drinker i might go down to the local bar and nurse a couple beers over the goddamn injustice of being incapable of being everywhere at once.
times like these, i feel like quiz kid donnie smith... so much love to give and nowhere to put it.
it is how i know i was made for greater things than the ones i am doing.
i had an argument with someone a couple months ago about what life means in the context of ambition and goals. he was a recent computer science-grad working a boring office job, looking for a better-paying office job. he was also a clever little rock n' roller.
i maintained that my goal in life is to have as much fun as possible at ALL times, and to travel the world, see other cultures, made worldwide friends, experience life, etc etc. we did not see eye to eye.
he actually COULD NOT UNDERSTAND how or why i could make that THE most important goal for myself. i can't see how breaking the 50k tax bracket can possibly afford you an ounce of happiness.
but whatever. it's times like this where i know i'm right about myself. every single day i'm imagining trips to new places.. looking out airplane windows and boarding cross-country trains.. turning strangers into friends...
i even rented "before sunrise" the other day under the recommendation of sarah. how completely gorgeous is that movie? it completely recertified everything i've been questioning about what i want to do and how.
good lord, isn't that movie *horrible* in its honesty? how many thousands of times has this sort of thing really happened, to a friend of a friend of a friend....? how painfully real that goodbye scene feels.. just watching it.. even if you've not been there.
to say i loved it would be an understatement.
*****
i have long been a believer in the idea that you are only as happy as you allow yourself to be. if you're always super sad, you are making a conscious decision to be that way - and i have no sympathy for you.
this tough love nonsense applies to myself as well.
several days ago i was in the swamps of sadness, and it seems that my luck dragon has swooped down to save me from the clutches of the evil wolf whose name i cannot spell!! i am fighting the nothing..
yeah.
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