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09.23.03 - 2:23 pm

his voice kills me.

put away those damned cds before you do yourself more damage.

i'm not mad at him, i'm mad at myself. that's important to recognize.

i'm just really tired right now. everything seems more dire and horrible when you haven't slept for 36 hours.

i'm not calling out of work today, i'm just not going. they won't fire me. they just won't. and if they do, that's alright too.

he's just so... GOOD in so many ways.

what hurts is that i want something i can't have. i can't charm my way into it. i can't bargain and i can't convince. because i know what's right as much as he does. this is totally new for me.

the most beautiful eyes in the world - we are convinced the other one owns them. i have never stared at someone for that long a time before. i have never gotten that stupid feeling like i'm seeing someone from the inside out, just through their eyes before. i'd never let myself be so vulnerable before. the most beautiful eyes i have ever, ever ever seen.

i took him to see 'lost in translation' on my birthday. he loved it [and scored points with me by saying he was worried he hadn't laughed at all the right parts] and when i asked him why, he said, "it's just a beautiful movie about soulmates, and about how sometimes, due to the politics of the situation, they are unable to be together."

he summed it up and i could not.

i don't know how i feel about the idea of soulmates. i know that however bitchy and stupid i feel about things now that he and i have an amazing connection, and that we will be amazing friends. we want each other in our lives. and that's a good feeling.

i just wanted the cherry on top, dammit, and pouted when i couldn't get it.

and would it be so bad if i admitted that i have a great love for him? maybe it's the same kind i have for my friends.. maybe it's more. i'm not sure yet. it's just... there. i don't care what anyone says about it. it's something special that no one else needs to understand.

i made the mistake of sending several very emotional letters to him today. i'm funny like that. it's all part of getting to know who i am. i do things like that and then want to take them back instantly. you learn to ignore my shitty outbursts.

no more being a crybaby for me. i can be so stupid sometimes.



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