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09.26.03 - 4:58 pm

i said a lot of crazy things to him this week. things i can't even remember. at one point, i said, "don't ever ever be sweet to me EVER again." because when he is, it kills me. it's like that scene in requiem for a dream...

"when you say it i hear it. i really hear it."

and i couldn't take that during this week of emotional tumult and misconceptions.

i just didn't expect him to act like we were strangers, all the sudden.

"I am sorry. I'm sorry my messages to you lately have been distant and perhaps rude. I don't mean to be that way. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I could no longer include any emotion in my words. Passion would now be undesired. I am all passion. If that is notwhat you like or are interested in, you are friends with the wrong person."

then he went on to say some really beautiful things. he told me that my interest in his music, and mine alone, is what has spurred him to begin writing again. sarah will testify that this boy's music is wonderful. i told him i better get a major credit in his next cd booklet.

i still goddamn feel like if we were in the same room, all this would be resolved. there is something unspoken in the way we look at each other. uggggh i feel so gross talking like that. what can you do? it's true. he's important. he always always will be.

he's sending me some cds next week [hopefully including a few more copies of his album to hand out to some lucky chicagoans], and he has THE best package going out in the mail tomorrow.

he's officially a good guy, again. we don't have to hate him anymore. for the time being. ;)



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