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09.28.03 -

at 11pm tonite, my coat started to vibrate.

i was at the mates of state show, standing in line with shannon and kevin to buy a cd from one of the [astounding] opening bands.

i normally don't take my phone with me. it stays in my room unless i know i'll need it. it was one of my rules when i got a cell phone. i didn't want to become one of those cell phone people.

i dug it out thinking who the hell would be calling me.

god bless caller id.

god bless area code 530.

he called me, and i knew why the second i saw his name come up.

it was loud so i went into the bathroom hallway to tell him i'd call him back after the show.

he called twice more before the show ended at 130. the second time, i felt it again and picked up.

then the words came that i KNEW he would say.

"i miss you."

i know you do, jerk. how could you not? why we play these games? everyone gives me that sympathetic look that says, "the only cure is to get over him." but deep down i know - i KNOW - what is really happening.

"i miss you, too."

"you don't have to say it back."

a little awkwardness, a little laughter, and a promise to call him when i got home.

we went to a diner afterwards, and although i really enjoyed the company, i couldn't wait to leave.

it's inadequate to say that i miss him. the feeling is a hundred times stronger than that. but especially, i miss our latenight talks. sigh.

when i finally called him back at 330, he was sleepy and we only got about an hour of time.

such an important hour.

i can hear it in his voice. he doesn't know why this is happening, either. or how to fix it.

he says things like, "you promised you wouldn't change your profile...", referring to the part that said "my heart is in california" and "aka: j.a.g." this is from a talk we had one night where we decided to just be friends for the time being. i told him, "whatever, i'm not deleting what i wrote about you. even if we're not together-together, it's still the truth."

he got my package today.

i sent him a package from las vegas - did i tell you that? it was so sweet. i taped "june on the west coast" for him and wrote out the lyrics, changing the color for the lines that really matter so they'd stand out. i wrote him a four page letter on the airplane.. about what i learned on the trip. what he meant to me. what i wanted to do to him. stuff like that. and i sent pictures of myself.

when i got home, i instructed him NOT to open it. he did anyway. i said something about it being a stupid package.. he said not to call it that. he said he really liked it.

he made me explain my new friendster profile. i made him explain his. i mean, really:

"about me: i have eyes.

who i want to meet: someone who also has eyes."

neither of us want to meet anyone new on friendster, but neither of us can delete our profiles. and so in our own ways, we devised ways to discourage people from writing.

i never in a MILLION years would have expected a call from him tonite. it has made all the difference in the world. there is so much misunderstanding go on. there are things we both want to say, but can't yet. i know certain things. i feel happy for the first time all week. i feel like i can function again. the world makes sense again. i knew i wasn't crazy. feelings are feelings are feelings.

i think in the next couple weeks, much more will be unraveled. i can hear the words on the tip of his tongue. he's not ready to ask or say them yet. i can be patient.

his laugh - my GOD i love his laugh. i wish i could be hilarious every moment to keep him constantly laughing. i love our silences as well. sometimes they go on for a minute, maybe two. i'm smiling the entire time, and i know he is, too.

i bought the 'lost in translation' soundtrack today, because i need that movie in someway every day.

'just like honey' by the jesus and mary chain is SO going to be the last song on his mixcd. he will hear it and know exactly what it means.



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