01.05.05 - 8:02 pm
my guess was right and now i'm at a loss for what to feel.
i feel too guilty to be as sad as i think i should be... which is to say, i feel like i'm not allowed to be sad because i made it clear long ago that i wanted to sever ties with this person.
i go back and forth in my head about whether or not i want to go to his wake/memorial thing. i can't go to those without totally losing it. i always think i'll be alright, and then i'll see the person's body and it hits me like a ton of bricks.
i don't want to pretend that he and i were close: we weren't.
but at one point, we were.
very, very close.
and i think i'm feeling so numb to it because he has been dead to me for about a year and a half now. he may've been walking around very much alive, but he -- the person i had originally known and cared for -- was gone. our friendship had been dead and buried.
so this sort of feels like overkill, to be quite honest.
regardless, it's extremely odd more than anything else. difficult to really accept. he was three years younger than me, y'know? when something like this happens you're forced to deal with your own mortality as well.
regardless of whether i *should* go or *deserve* to go, i want to go.
because ultimately, i would want him to come to my wake. i would want him to desire reconciliation.
and i need for it to be real. all his friends, they've seen him off and on for the last few years. nothing is going to change for me now.
and i need to say goodbye. for what it's worth.
he is the one who introduced me to jjd and that changed my life.
he is the one who got me a job at nah, where i met shannon, and that changed my life.
fuck, when i think about it now he was there for several very important times in my life.
at times like this there really are no words to adequately express how you feel or what someone meant to you.
i guess i have to leave it at that.