01.07.05 - 1:47 am
words continue to fail me in regards to what happened to e.
we went to the memorial/wake thing and it was extremely hard. i decided beforehand that i wanted to stay composed for as long as possible, but decomposition began almost as soon as we walked in the door.
jeremy and his mother came over to say hello. and then adam came to give me a hug. it meant more at that moment than if anyone else had hugged me.
mostly i found the whole thing surreal. it seemed like everyone else had already grieved privately and i was a couple days behind. no one else was puffy-eyed or snotty-faced. all the people i knew there seemed to be ok.
his parents were so together. i've never understood quite how a family can pull it together and stand there smiling and thanking mourners for coming out. i would be a mess if it were my child, y'know?
getting past the casket was the hardest part. he was so animated in life that you couldn't help but expect him to pop up any minute and scare people. he had the craziest faces and the craziest laugh. seeing him laying there with catholic paraphenalia totally motionless -- it was goddamn surreal.
when i got to him i kept saying in my head over and over, "oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry. i should have called you, i should have made up with you. i'm so sorry please forgive me. i loved you and i'll miss you and i hope you're ok and i'm sorry..."
and then we left. i couldn't stay to do a lap and hi to all those people. it was just too hard and too awkward and i still felt somehow like i didn't belong there.
"saying goodbye is important."