02.27.05 - 7:30 pm
not much to report, therefore a week of silence here.
it's taken five [FIVE?!?!] long years of intermittent diarylanding to understanding the importance of writing only what's important. these fuckers who update everyday and have nothing to say just kill me.
basically, i'm working so much i don't have time to breathe. my enormous snowpiles of bills are finally melting away. i feel weights lifting. i've applied to four schools, and i won't be surprised if i'm rejected from all of them. i'm just glad i finally did it.
i spend all my time not sleeping and working with jeremy. he is everything to me. when we can't see each other we spend hours on the phone making each other cackle. every second we're together is like magic. i love love love love love this person. there isn't ONE fucking iota of bad. this has never happened to me before.
i never ever ever go on myspace because, well, i hate it there. but i went today and god knows why but i got this message that made me simultaneously get a full-body flash of anger/sadness/humiliation/fear/andlove. i don't know what to do with it, so as with everything that happens to me i'll do nothing.
jeremy has a livejournal but only writes silly, meaningless stuff. he knows i have an online diary, and he says he's dying to get the address, but he makes fun of me.
"why not just get a notebook like normal people and actually write down all your deepest, darkest feelings? why you gotta put it out there for all the world to see? why do you need validation from other people?"
before i had internet here, i tried writing in a word document everyday. it's just not the same. i've also tried keeping a paper diary. my hand cramps up.
this place, this miserable little tremble site, has been where i've come since february 2001. it's my heart's home. it's what makes sense to me. it's what i do when i have to get it out. it's where i go.
i don't write this for anyone to stumble upon, or secretly read, or care about. i could lock it up but it's just a diary for chrissakes. what you do with this crap is your problem.
*****
i have been avoiding calls from my aunt in wisconsin for over three months now. she calls several times a week and almost always leaves messages.
i began not calling her back because i was busy with work and boy. but the urgency with which she continued calling made me think that something might be wrong with my ailing grandmother who lives with her.
and also, i am the queen of not being able to contact people when i've let it go too long. i don't know if it's a fear of being yelled at or just made to feel bad. it's something i'm comfortable with now. i'll never overcome it.
i got an email the other day from them that said they are very worried about me, and she has less than a year to live.
i should write back or call, but i don't feel like i care enough to. i just want to ignore it and let it not be real. i want them to forget about me.
i wish i could genuinely love them. i suppose it comes back to me not ever being able to forget. i wish i could kick my own ass into care-mode. it just isn't going to happen.
*****
i'm super excited because gabe and ricky from big bowl wheaton are transferring to my store next week. the people i work with now are THE best crew of people i've ever worked with in my life, and i adore every one of them. i don't know how well these two guys are gonna fit in, but i'll show them the big bowl love.
if only jeremy could be 21 and live in chicago and work with me. our hyjinx would be unstoppable.
*****
and to return to a previous topic, jeremy and i were talking the other day about you, and he was trying to be helpful, but i kept getting so upset. i don't understand it. it really hurts.
and he said all the right things, things i can't post here. and i can only hope that they're true.
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