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07.07.03 -

the worst has happened now, because i no longer feel lost everyday without them. i remember the day they died i was trying to imagine a day like this and couldn't. or actually, i was just scared of when it would inevitably come. it gets harder and harder to remember details... it would be impossible for me to take care of a dog again at this point, because i'm so used to being free. i still think about them and miss them everyday, but i'm not crying all the time anymore. which makes things worse. i am getting over them. it makes me sick to my stomach. at xiu xiu last night, the boy was screaming his heart out and i felt like i was going to explode. big fat tears fell out my eyes and i remembered things i wasn't ever going to think about again. i get sick with sadness and there's no digging me out. i hate that i am functioning so normally. no one has any idea that it's still there with me. happy music makes it so easy to pretend that i'm 100 percent ok. i find myself most often just thinking of them as "gone", and not "dead"...not "murdered". i think it's safe to say no one will ever matter to me to the extent they do and did. friendster has facilitated this departure from my sulkiness, and i partially hate it for that as well. getting my mind off things has felt good, but it forces me to pretend everything is ok when it's not.

i should not make any new friends ever again. i think i put people through too many tests. if they can put up with my shit for a long enough time, then they've proved themselves loyal, or something. i should come with warning labels.

today is not a good day to be me.

ps when did i become so painfully, horribly uncool?



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