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10.14.03 - 10:12 pm

he once told me, "aimee mann sings my soul." add it to the list of things i love about him.

*****

friday is THEEE day.

sarah's party is the reason i can get out of bed tomorrow.. i know i'll be moving toward some greater thing.

i haven't:

1) seen sarah

2) been to a party

3) had alcohol

4) *laughed*

in two/four/three/?? weeks.

too damn long.

i'm going to her place early, to help 'kick it off'. the idea is to get intoxicated quickly so that when all the strangers show up, it's no big deal.

i'm wondering if brian will come, because surely she invited him. i haven't seen him in, christ a month now? that's an official record. things isss weird on that front. there are all these words in my mouth, jumbled up, dying to come out to/at/for him. when/where/how, i'm unsure.

i love and miss the sort of party i think this will be.

*****

which reminds me, the second i get access to friendster again [i'm on day 5 of my hunger strike], i'm f'ing bulletin boarding a post for the first annual steve-zahn-a-thon.

it looks like mid-november. that's plenty of time for people to schedule time off from work. it looks like it's gonna be a slumber party.

i expect all my local friendsters to make an appearance, ahem.

*****

everyone is damaged goods, to a greater or lesser degree.

everyone is nursing some sort of scabbed relationship wound, whether they let you know it or not.

a relationship can only truly work when two people find each other at the exactly perfect time. when just enough healing/time has passed since their last relationship, and not enough time has passed since they became predators again. it's a small window of time, and being in the right place at the right time has everything in the world to do with luck.

the only time you'll meet someone and not have to worry about their baggage is when you're in highschool, and everyone around you is like a fresh slab of clay. highschool love can never ever work in the long run, by its very design, and this serves to perpetuate that bonehead notion of "the one that got away".

it's good to remember that no matter how mentally sound someone seems.. how over their ex someone seems.. how into you they seem... that they're exaggerating it to get on your good side. if someone seems perfect, it's a rather good indicator that they're not. it should make you hypersensitive to the existence of any hidden-but-glaring faults.

people are so complex, i love it. you can never really know another person, but the process of attempting to is so amazing! i'm still feeling a great love for everything around me, and i'm becoming accustomed to my rather solitary existence.

it's temporary, i tell myself. but is it really? i mean, unless you pair off and settle down with someone, you're always going to be on your own in some capacity or another. that terrifies me. it's the main reason i became such a serial monogamist [brian once used that term to describe his roommate, and recently i found out it's a term sociologists actually use...?]

being face to face with your lonliness is a powerful thing. thinking in terms of what you can get accomplished when there's no one else around complicating your life is nice.

i've been having lots of flying dreams lately. they're semi-nightmarish because someone's always chasing me, but they still feel so good.

 

 

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