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11.02.03 - 6:43 pm

backburner boys: the boys in your life that you meet but are unable to forage a real relationship with. those with whom you feel an unfortunate connection to. those you eventually get out of your head, but never really forget about. the flame stays eternally on low, and your love for him always on the backburner. forever on simmer, but easily reboilable.

we all have at least one backburner boy.

*****

i wish i had pictures to put up of me in my costume - it was so ridiculous, so cute, and apparently so over everyone's head.

i was a devilled egg for halloween. this consisted of a huge white foam suit i pulled over my head, with an orange tummy and red horns on top of the head/hood. it also had a devil's tail coming out the back. i thought it was fairly obvious, although more people were clueless than not...

the parties i went to were sooo bad in that gooood way. the first one was full of lame hardcore kids with senses of humor like tree stumps. you know a party's bad when the highlight of your time is sitting against the wall in a basement watching the original "texas chainsaw massacre". i went because a couple friends would be there [and yes, whatever, because i thought a particular intriguing person might make an appearance], and although it was l-a-m-e i left with the aforementioned person's phone number and instructions to call the next day.

the second party was james' friends. these people are all drama/opera/theatre majors at columbia and roosevelt. now picture these people drunk, and i'm sure you can imagine the hilarity. i tell you - fucking drama kids. they don't get any easier to swallow with age. james' friend [and the host of the party] was locked in the bathroom vomiting the entire time we were there. and although i could sympathize with him, it didn't make for the most comfortable of situations.

saturday i saw moto who were, as ever, amazing. i'd actually like to see them do a sucky show, just to know it's possible. i got in without a hitch, but didn't have the guts to stay after and thank their singer for doing that. he wrote me this morning saying i should have, and to not "worry about ever interrupting. always come up to say hi!" such a nice, nice man he is.

oh, and.. "the rules of attraction"? so good. so dark. so twisted. so good. regardless of dawson's presence in the film. big thumbs up from me..

*****

i spent several hours on the phone this weekend with this boy who went as hunter s. thompson for halloween. he's sweet in this very sad way.

he is the consummate 'self-effacing sarcastic'.

my initials are LAM and his are BAH. i like that he comes up with things like this..

tomorrow night we're going to see the david cross movie special thing at schubas with james. i'm excited to him again in this really calm way.

ok yes, i do think he's cute. and yes, he's funny and we like the same stuff.. he's made it clear that he capital L "likes" me, but i rather enjoy the innocent winks and nudges.

i think from now on, the goal is to keep that going with boys for as long as possible. stave off real relationships. enjoy the best part as long as possible: the first part. the sweet part. the cute part.

and, he bothers me. in several ways. in unforgivable ways. but but but he's just very sweet and that's kind of nice right now is all.

*****

i keep coming THISDAMNCLOSE to writing to you again. i miss you, ok? there's nothing i can do about it. my only worry is about the weirdness. you've seen a side of me that i never wanted to show another boy -- it sickens me.

but i can't write to you again until i'm completely 100% ok with not getting a response from you. i'm so silly in the way i make rules for myself -- but understand, they are vital.

because if i swallow my pride and try again at this, instead of just letting you slip away forever, and you don't respond, i can't let it kill me. and i can't even chance it unless i'm sure it won't.

and i know that right now, i'm not yet prepared. and although i'm still missing you and think of you sometimes [but not everyday anymore! that's a triumph!], i can't rush this. i have got to feel totally comfortable.

i want us to be such good friends. i'm just scared that in my stupidity i have fucked up the chance of that ever happening.

i miss you..

 

 

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